the band tracker – this is one of the more exciting new features as it will allow innocent users to see how many times a band member has clicked on their own profile attempting to drive up their hit count. expect to see all band traffic except for the big ones notice a significant decrease in song plays.
the how many times a day tracker – this is also exciting because it will show how many times a day a user checks his/her account. this number, factored in with the users age (listed age plus three years for girls depending on their profile picture) will determine the myspace losers of the month. the myspace losers of the month will rank just below muslims in society. there will also be an alternative minimum myspace loser calculation which is as follows -
alternative minimum myspace loser = number of times logged into myspace a day + number of profiles clicked on – number of humans contacted in conversation (this number excludes text messages, e-mail, and chat programs). for each number over zero the user will gain an entry into the random loser drawing to be held on the first monday after the fifteenth of every month.
the better things you could be doing with your time – each time a user compiles a list (complete with a heading explanatory and somewhat apologetic “i’m bored,” telling other users useless information about themselves they will receive a computer generated list (based on their compiled list) suggesting ten better activities they could have participated in rather than wasting their friends time. they will also be forced to endure a photo album of all of their friend’s baby pictures – with explanations from a jewish mother. if said culprit is not jewish, an appropriate jewish mother will be substituted.
the party ruiner – this one is sure to liven up every promoted party advertised on myspace. when promoters send out mass messages advertising their “hot” parties such invites will be formalized onto nice stationary and forwarded onto the KKK, Al Queda, and other despicable groups inviting them to come for free drinks and beatings.
the great equalizer – for all you lonely guys out there tired of being contacted by girls with massive breasts and no clothes who are just dying to show you their naked pictures this will be popular. myspace is instituting a tracker that will find these girls and deliver them to you in your bedroom so that they can live out their fantasy of being naked in front of you.
the urban legend ender – did you ever hear the sad story about the boy with the bad lung? what about the rapist going around town? myspace closing down? guess what? they’re not true! they are started by the lonely guys shunned by the girls with the massive breasts and no clothes. those that forward such nonsense will have give all of their friends a reason to be concerned as they will contract whatever societal ill they had been warning people about.
please forward this to ten of your closest online friends or all the good things in the world will happen to you.
Posted by painfullyawkward 
